Over the course of my 61+ years of living, I've been faced with numerous challenges. Many of them would stop most mortal men, like having an Achilles tendon removed and being told you probably will never walk again, or fighting a gambling addiction that resulted in illegal activities I still can't talk about. None have even come close to giving a three year old a haircut.

As you can tell from the attached picture, I was in dire need of a haircut, a job Peggy has done for the past 11 years. (That is why I keep her around. Saves on barber costs.) Kagen, her grandson, also needed one since his locks hadn't been clipped since Daniel, her eldest son scalped him back in May. Kill two birds with one stone?

Kagen doesn't like haircuts.

Being the highly intelligent person that I am, I decided on the intellectual approach.

"Kagen, you need a haircut," I stated on Sunday night.

"No," he answered.

A few minutes later, "Kagen, if Oompa (that's me) gets a haircut, will you let grandma cut yours?" I asked.

"No," he stated emphatically.

On Monday morning, I said hopefuly, "Kagen, let's get grandma to cut Oompa's hair, and then trim yours just a little."

"Nope," he replied.

I sat down to get my haircut. "Kagen, do you want to help grandma?"

He grabbed the clippers, climbed up on a chair and started in.

Hmmmm. I thought.

"Since you are giving Oompa a haircut, will you let me give you one?"

"No," he said as half my neck was cut away.

As Peggy was trying to straighten up his handiwork, Kagen got his bulldozer and began cleaning up hair from the floor.

After Peggy finished her job on me, "Kagen, it is your turn," I said without much hope.

"No."

Obviously, the intellectual approach isn't working.

Knowing how much kids hate showers and baths, "Kagen, if you get a haircut, I'll let you take a shower."

He ran for the chair, climbed up and said, "Grandma, where's the towel for my neck?"

"Grrrrrrrrr," I replied.

He actually sat still, but only for one half of a haircut.

I decided a new tact was required.

I grabbed him bodily, carried him screaming and kicking back to the chair, and sat on him. Only, I'm so big, Peggy couldn't find his head to finish the clipping.

She sat on him and I went looking for some rope.

I tied him to the chair, binding his feet and hands, and wrapped the rope around him and the back of the chair three times. Peggy clipped one strand of hair, and Kagen had the rope untied, unwrapped, and was back in the living room watching TV before I could blink.

With that, we quit. Trust me. If you have a three year old, take him to a barber and pay the $10.